Gypsies

Last night I saw a gypsy in a van licking a woman's foot.

Go with me on this.

Some times you wonder if you really just saw a gypsy in a van licking a woman's foot, and other times you know for all certainty that you just saw a gypsy in a van licking a woman's foot. This was an example of the latter. I was parked in front of Eclectic Company Theater on Laurel Canyon (across the street from Shakey's!!) waiting for rehearsal to begin. I was early and no one was in the theater, so I opted to walk across the street to the 7-11 to get a decaf coffee for $0.99. It was cold, and I was in need of both warmth and a good bargain.

As I got out of my car, I turned around to stretch and parked two cars behind me was a Chrysler Mini-Van, that I had taken notice had the rear window painted with the words "I am a van." On the side of the Van was written "Jason and Mary." In the five seconds it took me to get a good stretch in, I noticed something irregular. First I saw a woman's bare leg. Then I saw the woman that owned said leg (Mary?) leaning against the passenger seat window. Then I saw a man's hand hoisting the woman's leg by the ankle. Then I saw the man sitting in the driver's seat (Jason?). Then I saw his tongue sticking all the way out and tickle-licking the woman's arch. IT WAS WEIRD.

At this point I should note that the reason I assume gypsy status is that Eclectic Company Theater shares their building with a fortune teller, who constantly has "friends" over at all hours of the night to hang out in the back, blast Eastern European music, and (as near as I can tell) stand in a circle and scream.

I get coffee. Upon my return, Jason and Mary had graduated to aggressively making out. I get back in my car and proceed to adjust my rear-view mirror.

At precisely 8:38pm, an elderly man utilizing an old umbrella as a cane passes by, and distinctly slows down and double-takes the van. I watch the entire affair with the same attention to detail as a serial killer. I'm not a serial killer, though.

8:43pm: The Director arrives. I roll down my window and call out to her for a quick update.

"Chelsea, I need you look at the silver van behind me and tell me what you see."
"There's some guy sitting there."
"Is he alone?"
"Yes."

I'm no gypsy fortune teller, but I don't think he was alone...

...I'm an asshole.

Scientologists

Two days ago I was stopped at a red light on Reseda, and traffic was pretty bad (I had already watched this light cycle twice). A woman in a white car was trying to pull out of a strip mall in front of me into my lane of traffic. I felt bad because she was already denied access by a few cars, so I decided to wave her her in. In kindness, she waved a thank you to me. I then took note of her rear personal license plate holder. It read:

"I am a Scientologist"

I immediately regretted being nice to her. I'm an asshole.

Cambodians

I was people watching a few days ago while stuck in traffic. While staring at some woman in the car next to me (a blue compact of some kind), I had the following thought process:

"Is that woman Cambodian or does she have Down's Syndrome?"

I then took note of the fact that she was driving a motor vehicle.

"She's probably just Cambodian," I concluded.

I'm an asshole.